My supervisee asked me the other day what is the single most important advise I could impart to her. I have not thought of myself old enough to be wise yet, but I suppose 25 years seating in the therapist's chair qualify me for a claim to a modicum of wisdom.
So I meditated on the question: The image of a tree came to mind, more specifically the symbolic Tree of Life of the Cabbalah tradition. The idea is that the journey of spiritual evolution involves balancing pairs of opposites.
One of these pairs of opposites is Boundless Loving Kindness, and No More. Although it is always important to look inside and own our part and fault in a conflict, it is equally important not to own someone else's responsibility. Although empathy can liberate us from the shackles of rage and revenge, being able and willing to set firm boundaries and hold the other accountable is an expression of true intimacy. It communicates to our partner that we expect better and we believe he/she is capable of it.
So, what is a valuable piece of advise? Practice on finding the balance between empathy/love and self assertion. The main principle of homeopathic medicine is that the Poison that kills is also the Cure. Saying No often feels abrasive, but it is also the powerful cure that places the burden where it truly belongs and invites our partners in life to respect and honor our limits.
So, may the New Year find us a little bit more balanced.
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