In
my 25+years of treating victims, or I should more correctly say survivors of
childhood abuse, there invariably comes a moment when the crucial question is
asked: should I forgive my abuser, and how do I do this.
But,
the question that needs to by asked first, is what does it mean to forgive?
So, here are some thoughts for serious consideration:
Forgiveness
is to fully and unequivocally acknowledge the harm done to you and the burning
rage it causes and yet accept that revenge or punishment is not yours to
deliver, because the need for revenge ties you inextricably to your abuser, for
ever.
Forgiveness
is to let go of the often hidden desire to get your abuser's love, acceptance,
and apology. This need too ties you to him/her with chains of steel.
Forgiveness
is to truly understand your abusers limitations to meet your needs and finally
grieve the death of the hope or illusion that he will change, "see the
light". There is no light, there never was.
Forgiveness
is to let yourself off the hook for what you fantasize you could or should have
done to stop the abuse. These fantasies are also based on your need to
believe that your abuser is a good person and he could still be rehabilitated
if you could only find the right way, if you were a better daughter, son, wife.
Forgiveness
is not accepting your abuser back into your life or confronting
him, especially if you are not in therapy. This will more likely than not lead
to more abuse, more hurt.
Forgiveness
is a process not an one time event. It is not a decision made in one moment of
magnanimity, it is the outcome of healing and it takes time and often the
care and safety of a skilled professional.
Finally,
and most importantly, forgiveness is the gift of freedom you give to yourself
not an absolution of wrongdoing for your abuser.
May
you find freedom and healing.
