The strong feminine

On the day when it will be possible for woman to love not in her weakness but in strength, not to escape herself but to find herself, not to abase herself but to assert herself -- on that day love will become for her, as for man, a source of life .
Simone De Beauvoir.







More often than not, it's not the outside man whom we as women have to fight to earn equality, but our internalized father, in other words, our need, often obsession, to please, to be agreeable, to be all accommodating.

As women we often confuse caring for others with total neglect of our needs and individuality. Sometimes our whole femininity is sacrificed at the altar of "mothering" not only of our kids, but the whole world around us.

It's time  to leave our daddy's house, to stop relying on a man, any man, to define who we are and what we can become. Now, more than any other time in the past the world needs the strong Feminine to heal the damage that centuries of shortsightedness has caused.

The meaning of suffering

In the depths of our soul there is a secret and sacred place where the seeds of rebirth lie awaiting. 

In Greek mythology Persephone is abducted into the underworld where for three months out of the year she rules as its queen. 

Persephone's journey is the symbolic death of our naive ego. The ego of our youth, the ego that is tied to the demands of the society, to the responsibilities of family, to the aspirations for a career. It is the ego we carry for half of our life. 

Then our soul calls us, beckons us,  and if we continue to turn a deaf ear abducts us, often forcefully, into the dark underworld. Sometimes we call this world depression or mental illness. Sometimes it shows up as an inexplicable physical illness. 

Hope dims as we recede ever deeper into darkness and suffering.

And yet it is in this dark underworld that the seeds of our mature femininity or masculinity lie waiting for us. Suffering can be the crucible where our personality acquires character. In finding the meaning of our suffering we discover empathy, gratitude and a deepening of emotions that makes life sparkle anew. 

Suffering can be a deep well of meaning. 

It can be harmful,yes, but it can also be helpful.

A killer maybe, or possibly a savior, if we can manage to create a framework to understand it.

Let's dance

                                                                    

We dance for laughter, we dance for tears,
we dance for madness, we dance for fears,
we dance for hopes, we dance for screams,
we are the dancers, we create the dreams.
Albert Einstein.

So, my friends, let the new year find us all foot-loose and care free.

Happy New Year

At the end of a year...or life for the same reason, all that remains worthwhile remembering is good friends, meaningful talks, laughter and places where your spirit soars. So, here is to another year filled with these precious gifts. May you all receive them.

A simpler time

It was a poorer time, it was a simpler time. It was the time when imagining was free and easily  available, but doing was not affordable. The boxes under the tree did not come from Tiffani's, but the anticipation was gigantic. The gifts did not empty the bank, but they did fill the heart with something wonderfully transcending. The apartment in Brooklyn may have been cold, but the spirit of the Holidays burned brighter and warmer than ever.

Years have past since, but the memories still burn bright. May you all make memories to warm you for the rest of your life.

A special wish for our magic Christmas Tree

The cracks is where the light comes in

The hard blows life delivers to us, wound us deeply, yes, but mostly they open us up.  They crack the hard shell of invulnerability and hubris and let the soft light of empathy pour in.

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune remove our blinders, if only temporarily, and life takes depths and colors unknown before. 

It is being said that it is only the wounded healer who can really heal. This year, once again, I came face to face with the old Lady Fate. In her deep, all knowing eyes I saw the threat of death, and the fear of suffering. And then she raised her hand and her old knurled finger pointed to so much more: The love of family, the support of friends, the kindness of strangers, but most of all I saw, I saw the boundless empathy and kindness of other wounded healers. My heart lifted like a feather, and opened like a cherry blossom in the midst of a February storm to welcome the mystery that is Life.

So, this year I have a very special and very personal wish for our magic tree: Please keep all the wounded healers healthy and strong so we can continue to shine the light of hope even in the darkest nights of the soul.

Forgiveness

In my 25+years of treating victims, or I should more correctly say survivors of childhood abuse, there invariably comes a moment when the crucial question is asked: should I forgive my abuser, and how do I do this.

But, the question that needs to by asked first, is what does it mean to forgive?  So, here are some thoughts for serious consideration:

Forgiveness is to fully and unequivocally acknowledge the harm done to you and the burning rage it causes and yet accept that revenge or punishment is not yours to deliver, because the need for revenge ties you inextricably to your abuser, for ever.

Forgiveness is to let go of the often hidden desire to get your abuser's love, acceptance, and apology. This need too ties you to him/her with chains of steel.

Forgiveness is to truly understand your abusers limitations to meet your needs and finally grieve the death of the hope or illusion that he will change, "see the light". There is no light, there never was.

Forgiveness is to let yourself off the hook for what you fantasize you could or should have done to stop the abuse.  These fantasies are also based on your need to believe that your abuser is a good person and he could still be rehabilitated if you could only find the right way, if you were a better daughter, son, wife.

Forgiveness  is not accepting your abuser back into your life or confronting him, especially if you are not in therapy. This will more likely than not lead to more abuse, more hurt. 

Forgiveness is a process not an one time event. It is not a decision made in one moment of magnanimity,  it is the outcome of healing and it takes time and often the care and safety of a skilled professional.

Finally, and most importantly, forgiveness is the gift of freedom you give to yourself not an absolution of wrongdoing for your abuser.

May you find freedom and healing.